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Jun. 3rd, 2011

Year I disappear

All righty then...

Please ignore the icon. It is not me. I have never been able to do that pose, but oh how I wish that I could. I am bendy, just not to that extent. Any how This was my day After being lazy in bed and peeking at the clock time and again saying to myself ten more minutes... maybe five more. Okay get out of bed and brush the puppydog. Because we have a special day today. Take down your braid and redo it. Normally that is a simple thing to do. Today I had dyslexic fingers!

Delilah and I got on the road and to our first appointment on time. Met with the Psych Nurse. Her name was Carol. She was NOT the lady that I met three months ago. She was quite concerned over why it has been three months since I have been in. (no kidding- PTSD, Clinical Depression with suicidal episodes...) Yes I should be seen more often. I will be seeing her again in one month and the therapist at the end of the month. No clue how that will go, but all for the trying. Can you see the walls going up? Sarcasum I am so good at it after a long day. She did not agree with the lady from three months prior that I should be committed to Four Winds. Which has been weighing very heavy on my mind these past months. Should I just be put away? Would that be the best thing for me? For everyone? What would happen to Delilah? How would the bills get paid? Just the thought of all these things has had me in such a state these past three months..... a tornado of thoughts.

Anyhow, the nurse today, saw no reason for me to go in service. Which was a nice weight off my shoulders. Check that off the list. We made my appointments to see her in one month and to see the Therapist at the end of the month. Delilah and I went on to get ready for the next appointment.

But first. A new collar. PINK! We need to look all pretty for the Veterans.

Remember above where it says PTSD? Think about that..... I pull into the VA Employee parking Garage and parked where they told me to. Right next to the *CONSTRUCTION*. They were demolishing some concrete in the garage. The sound was terrifining.

Guess who had a panic attack in her car? And no drugs? Yep, that's me. I was in full shut down mode- and was supposed to be there to meet the head of the Rec/Therapy Department. Special circumstances taking a Service Dog and going to work on making her also a Therapy Dog for the Veterans. I had to put on the big girl panties and just deal with it.

Drumroll please........... She passed with flying colors today. This was her first visit. And she did really well with the Veterans, we go back on Monday for my paperwork and her second visit. If my paperwork clears we can set up the third appointment which is when *we* get our ID's. Two more visits after that and we will be official VA Therapy Visitors. It's our way of paying back. Delilah helps me so very much just by being near me, without her I don't sleep.
I hope she brightened their days today.

May. 25th, 2011

rainbow eye

How do i explain..

Today it was sunny here. But They kept telling us that we are expecting more rain. I *feel* like more storms are coming. The depression is dragging me under the swamp. Almost in the literal sense. Thoughts of disappering are constant. I don't know if it is the weather or just me. I just don't want to be seen. I go out only when i have to, make sure to pack as many errands together so as to not waste gas. I remember when I used to work all day either at Faire or with Dan doing construction jobs and it was a happy exhaustion at the end of the day. Even if it was a crappy day for one another reason there was a purpose to the day. Now there just seems to be fear, anger, sadness. Loss.

All these storms coming. All this rain. It's soaking into me. Dragging me down into the depths of the earth. Normally that would make me feel safe. This is not normal. This not safe. Something is wrong here- something is off-kiltered. I can't explain it right, I really wish that I could. Then I could make sense of it and fix it. I can't even use the words that are in my head because I have no idea how to spell them. So instead, this sounds like the simple ramblings of a fourteen year old child. It is very frustrating to me.

Tomorrow's forecast is hot, humid with Thunderstorms in the afternoon. Which means more flooding here. The ground is so saturated that with each step one takes you just sink and make the most awful sound. The earth is trying to suck you in.

I'm going to go take a shower now. Maybe by adding some homemade soap to the mix and washing my hair I might feel a little better. Doubtful... but a woman can try.

May. 24th, 2011

Year I disappear

Favorite Song- Words to live by

Willy Wonka:
[Spoken]
Hold your breath
Make a wish
Count to three

[Sung]
Come with me
And you'll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
Take a look
And you'll see
Into your imagination

We'll begin
With a spin
Traveling in
The world of my creation
What we'll see
Will defy
Explanation

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly wish to be

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world?
There's nothing
To it

There is no
Life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there
You'll be free
If you truly
Wish to be

May. 23rd, 2011

tears

Blessed

I love my children <3

I love you Matthew.

I love you Angel.

I love you Karyn-Anne.

You all are my world.
This is how I feel

(no subject)

Is breathing supposed to be such a freaking option?!?!?!?!?!?!?

May. 22nd, 2011

Year I disappear

Writer's Block: From beyond

If you died and became a ghost and could only haunt one place, which place would you choose, and why?
I'm sure this will be said many times over... the streets of N'awlins. They haunt me now.

May. 18th, 2011

rainbow eye

Protecting your self and others...

Those that *know* me- know I can be violent. In a good way. I am protective. I will protect you to my death and detriment. Come what may. Which leads to the following conversations of the households. What can we make weapons of?! :)

Or more to the point..... What can't I? There is Nothing, that I look at with in my range of sight that if someone were to break in to the home, that they will surely wish they they had picked a different house. And different old lady to pick on. I am no where near as strong as I once was. I should work on that, I really should. But think about it, in our three county area the rate of theft, break in etc has risen so much in the past 3 years. I get e-mails from "spotcrime.com" would give you the shivers. This is stuff that does not make the news. And it just pisses me off. My doors are locked. Always have been. Child molesters live down the road. Many work at Stickley. MANY.

I had a visit from a Police officer a long time ago and he asked if I had any weapons I started laughing. I said you obviously are not very observant. Take a look around you..... Swords, spears, knives, 50 caliber bullet (thank you Spike) Cast iron kettle, Cast Iron cauldron,Lamps, books, rocks...the list goes on. He thought I was joking. And then he stopped and looked around. "Lady- you're kinda dangerous" Thank you" I prefer to think of it as prepared and decorative ;)
( Imagine what glitter in someones eyes would do, the micro-fine stuff? Faerie can be little wenches when needed )

May. 16th, 2011

Year I disappear

Writer's Block: You've got the look

Which item in your wardrobe would shock the fashion police? Do you wear it in public?
I think that most of my clothing would do that. And since I really rarely go out in public it is not an issue. And "they" don't matter any how now do they. If I had the finances to dress nicer and places to go maybe I would. I dress in clean clothes. They may not be the finest threads but they keep me covered and warm most of the time. No one needs to see what I look like or the shape of me.

May. 15th, 2011

Stupid humans

Writer's Block: Say goodbye to Kansas, Dorothy

If you woke up surrounded by doctors who told you that you'd been in a medical experiment since birth and that your entire life had been a dream, how do you think you'd react?
I think that I would smack the closest one to me and ask them and ask why it took them so long to wake my tuckus up?

May. 8th, 2011

Year I disappear

Writer's Block: Put it all together, it spells Mother

What's the most important lesson your mom taught you?

That I was worthless.

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